2009 July

July 2009


This has been a great summer for movies: Star Trek, Transformers 2, Wolverine. As a dedicated Trekkie and Marvel Comics geek, those three were the big ones for me.

But there are a slew of upcoming movies yet to come that I am pretty hard up for.

The “for sure I’m going to catch in the theater” list:

9 — Tim Burton’s star-studded animated post-apocalyptic flick.
District 9 — A statement on South African apartheid? It’s the space aliens I’m in it for.
Hurt Locker — A guy who diffuses live ordinance for a living.
Daybreakers — Sam Neill as a big bad vampire. Screw Twilight!
Brothers — Marine goes off to war, brother stays home and gets in trouble. Marine comes home, gets in trouble.
The Informant — Matt Damon plays an idiot. Based on a true story.

Maybe list… might wait for video:

2012 — I don’t believe a single wit of 2012 apocalypse hype, but the special effects look awesome!
The Time Traveler’s Wife — Interesting concept, but it’s a chick flick. I’m in conflict.
Michael Moore’s New Documentary — Despite not being much of a fan of Moore’s truth-twisting, one-sided, so-called “documentaries,” he takes on the new liberal-worshipped administration head on. As a lib himself, he might actually be fair on this one and tell both sides. We’ll see.
Cold Souls — Paul Giamatti has his soul removed, and later finds that he misses it. Unfortunately, his soul has been misplaced.
Fifty Dead Men Walking — I just love these kind of movies!
Shutter Island — I used to hate DiCaprio. Then I saw Departed. I think he’ll turn in another great performance with Shutter Island.
Surrogates — Classic tale of people living their lives without actually living it. Old story, but looks interesting nonetheless.

What are you most looking forward to?

So I saw that a FaceBook friend of mine had taken a FaceBook intelligence quiz and got the result of “genius.” Personally, I hate FaceBook quizzes and so generally try to ignore them. However, that there was one that supposedly tested your intelligence… well, I simply couldn’t pass up the opportunity to make fun of it!

So I took the quiz and got the result of “pretty smart,” and was told that I got “most of them right.” Okay, right off the bat, you should know that there are only eight questions to this quiz. And I’m pretty sure I got them all right. Which means the person who created the quiz couldn’t even pass his/her own quiz and therefore shouldn’t be judging the intelligence of others.

Yes, yes. I know they are just for fun. But the way I have fun is not by taking the quiz, but by making fun of it afterward. So here we go.

I took screen shots of the actual quiz with my answers. And, remembering the saying that, “It’s better to keep your mouth shut and let others think you a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt,” I’m going to take the risk and open my mouth about why my answers are correct and make fun of the quiz-maker’s intelligence along the way.

dumb FaceBook quiz 1

Okay, to start things off, two fish drown, how many are left? Drowning implies death by suffocation while submerged in liquid. My presumption was that the fish died from a lack of oxygen in the water they were in, although it could have been from being submerged in molten lead. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that they are dead. Well, actually, that doesn’t matter either.

Even though the fish are dead, they are still there. Therefore the answer is two. Hmm… actually, if they drown in molten lead, they were probably vaporized and are no longer there. Something to think about!

Question number two tries to confuse you with words. An intelligent person would have simply said, “This man is my son.” And I just now realized I got that question wrong, despite knowing that it’s a father and son. I’m an idiot.

Question three. Obviously 200 pounds. 100+200*1/2=100+100=200. Easy.

dumb FaceBook quiz 2

Question 4. I’m not sure why he/she capitalized “philanthropy,” but whatever. Philanthropy is defined as “altruistic concern for human welfare and advancement.” That being the case, “caring” could be an appropriate answer to the question. “Carring,” which is not even a word, not so much.

Question 5. “Which ways more.” Huh? What does it mean to have something “way” more than another? At this point, you realize that either the quiz maker is an idiot, or is such a genius that you are the idiot for not being able to understand him or her. I’ll presume the prior. At any rate, assuming the quiz maker meant to say “Which weighs more…” and also meant to use proper grammar, a pound of anything weighs the same as a pound of anything else. Easy.

Question 6. Be tough to not get this one right. Thanks to current economic conditions, I’ve actually been keeping up with the prices of precious metals and already knew that silver is worth a tiny fraction of gold’s value, while the price of platinum is very close to that of gold. So I knew the answer was “16 oz. of gold” without needing to look it up. But if you really want to get into it, at the time I took the quiz the values of each were:

  • 30 oz. silver: $381.98
  • 16 oz. gold: $14,593.46
  • 2 oz. platinum: $2,387.51

Wow, looks like the price of platinum has gone up over $250/oz. since I last checked! Might be time to increase your platinum stores!

Last two questions:

dumb FaceBook quiz 3

Question 7. Well, since the quiz maker didn’t bother with a statement about which to judge to be true or false, I assumed whichever answer I selected would be correct, which is true, so I selected “true.” Note the quiz maker’s excellent grammar skills on the last option for the question.

Question 8. The meaning of the universe is actually, “the totality of known or supposed objects and phenomena.” In other words, everything that is perceivable — or, more simply, everything.

Since the quiz maker doesn’t know the meaning of the universe, the real question is, “What does the maker of this quiz THINK is the meaning of the universe?” I’m no mind reader, but I guessed “life.” Seemed to fit the actual definition the best as without life, there is no one to perceive what is, and if there is no person or thing to perceive what is, then its existence has no meaning and therefore isn’t… philosophically speaking.

Well… that was fun!

Those who know me know I hate chain letters. And not just the ones that try and scam you out of money. I hate them ALL!

Usually, I just ignore them. But every once in a while, I’ll shoot a little something back. That was the case with this chain letter (which I actually got about a year ago). First, the chain letter, then my response.

How old is Grandpa or Grandma?

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, “Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

  • television
  • penicillin
  • polio shots
  • frozen foods
  • Xerox
  • contact lenses
  • Frisbees and
  • the pill

There were no:

  • credit cards
  • laser beams or
  • ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

  • pantyhose
  • air conditioners
  • dishwashers
  • clothes dryers
  • and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
  • man hadn’t yet walked on the moon

Your Grandmother and I got married first, and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, “Sir.” And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, “Sir.”

We were before gay rights, computer dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

When mother or father said “No,” there was no further discussion.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President’s speeches on our radios. And I don’t ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with “Made in Japan” on it, it was junk. Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn’t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

  • grass was mowed
  • coke was a cold drink
  • pot was something your mother cooked in and
  • rock music was your grandmother’s lullaby
  • aids were helpers in the Principals office
  • chip meant a piece of wood
  • hardware was found in a hardware store and
  • software wasn’t even a word

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a real lady needed a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us “old and confused” and say there is a generation gap. And how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man or woman in mind… you are in for a shock! Read on to see — pretty scary if you think about it

Are you ready ?????

This person would be only 59 years old!!!

And now, my response:

Well, ACTUALLY…

1. He thinks that serving in the military was a “privilege”? No, it’s an HONOR to serve.

2. Born in 1949, this guy completely missed WWII, which had its fair share of draft dodgers. But he was old enough to have had to register with selective services and participate in the draft for Vietnam. That means his teenage years were rife with draft dodgers, and he might have even been one himself. It’s OUR generation that doesn’t have draft dodgers because there hasn’t been a draft instilled since before we were born.

Now, as to the “born before…” claims.

3. Born before TV? Are you kidding me? Philo T. Farnsworth invented the first electric TV in 1928. The TV was old enough to drink by the time this guy was born.

4. Something else was also discovered in 1928 as well. It’s called Penicillin, 21 years before he was born.

5. Born before frozen food? That’s a bit ambiguous. If he’s talking “frozen dinners,” sure. But the first artificial refrigeration was demonstrated in 1748. Yep, that’s a full 200 years before this guy was born. By 1920, there were around 200 different models of refrigerators being sold to the home consumer.

6. The Frisbee Pie Company (their pans are traditionally considered the first frisbees) was founded in 1871. Frisbees had been around for 78 years before this guy was born.

7. The first patent issued for a ball-point pen was in 1888.

8. The air conditioner, like the refrigerator, was first invented in the 19th century.

9. The first dishwasher suitable for domestic use was created in 1937. By 1940, dishwashers with drying elements were introduced.

As to several other of this man’s claims:

10. There was no McDonald’s? What about the one that opened in San Bernadino in 1940 and introduced its “Speedee Service System” (i.e. fast food) in 1948?

11. The reason he hadn’t heard of yogurt must have been because he was horribly uneducated or lived in a cave. Yogurt dates back to nearly 2,500 BC. Modern-day yogurt as we know it today was introduced to the States in 1947 by Dannon.

12. Instant coffee was invented in 1901. The Nescafe brand of instant coffee was introduced in 1938.

13. According to the Consumer Price Index, a nickel in 1949 is 43 cents in today’s money. You can still get a Pepsi for that or make a call from a pay phone.

So essentially this gentleman, like all old folks, likes to tell fantastical stories that aren’t true in order to try and impress his grandson. My grandfather walked 10 miles, uphill both ways, and through 10 feet of snow to get to and from school each day. Of course, my grandfather was born in 1910, so its probably true.

And there is one other thing that hasn’t changed between his generation and mine. Corporations are still evil. FM radio was invented in the 1930’s and by 1941, there were 50 FM radio stations. But the 59-year old man in the above story was probably telling the truth about having never heard of it.

RCA tied up the inventor of FM radio, Edwin Armstrong, in court for so long — sapping all his strength, desire, and finances — the man eventually killed himself in 1954.

After Edwin died, FM radio’s popularity soared. RCA suddenly had a change of heart what with its inventor dead and, with no one to pay royalties to, began investing heavily in its research and development. RCA posted record profits in 1955.

The cool thing about social networking sites like FaceBook is that it gives crazy people a whole new way to stalk you. Nothing says “FaceBook success story” like having your very own cyber stalker.FaceBook Stalker

But don’t worry. Usually it just means that somebody has a crush on you. And if you are totally hot for them, well, how do you figure out for sure that it’s safe to make an advance and move things forward?

If you find yourself with such a question, you’ll be happy to learn that, through years of highly scientific research, I have discovered the secret to knowing whether a FaceBook friend is hot for you. The formula is quite complex, so try to keep up.

The first part of the formula looks something like this:

U > 70%

In this case, “U” equals “percent of your FaceBook updates a user comments on.” In layman’s terms, if someone comments on more than 70% of your updates, then they might be a cyber stalker that has the hots for you.

The second part of the formula looks like this:

U1+A

In this case, the user from the first part of the formula also comments on a specific FaceBook update, “A”, which reads, “I just passed gas.”

Got it? I know it’s complex, so let me see if I can’t dumb it down for you.

If a FaceBook “friend” comments on more than 70% of your updates, including the one where you say, “I just passed gas,” then that person is totally hot for you.

I’ll be publishing this earth-shattering study in the APA journal American Psychology pretty soon.