Rantings of Stu

Remember the news story from a while back regarding the lady from my home town who called 911 after locking herself in her car?

In an effort to spread the love, the universe — in its great wisdom — has spread those from the lowest of the IQ bucket to all corners of the world. Perhaps it is to make those of us who are marginal at best, like myself, feel better about our averageness. Whatever the reason, one thing we can always count on them for is a bit of good old humor.

Thanks to FailBlog.org for hosting the following example of pure comical genius.

Something about doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results, right? Somebody should have told a certain Michigan teenager.

UPI recently reported that a teen in Kalamazoo was arrested for marijuana possession. So the cops hauled him in and later released him on $100 bail. In his brilliance, the kid went back to the exact same spot where he was arrested and — no joke — started rolling himself a marijuana joint.

In his defense though, the kid did do something a little different. He was packing a little crack the second time around. Didn’t help change the outcome though. He was arrested again and hauled in for possession of marijuana, crack cocaine, and violating bond.

Geniuses. They’re everywhere!

So somebody at work has decided to put together an employee golf tournament. I joined, but my only problem is that I just can’t seem to break 150 yards with my one-armed drive. Guess my best bet is to improve my golf short game.

Now I’ve spent my fair share of time watching the pros, trying to imitate them. I never did get my driving form right until I watched Tiger in slo-mo. But honestly… I kinda suck at golf. Even with two arms, I doubt I’d be much good. Lucky for me the company tournament is 4-man best ball! All I have to do is manage to get lucky every once in a while, and maybe I’ll nail something good — just like all those freakin’ donkeys do against me in poker! Yeah, you know who you are.

So how do you play your short game like a pro. Hmmm… maybe do what the pros do, which includes practicing like them. Seems like such a simple concept, right? Well, the thought never occurred to me until I visited the aptly name Practice Like a Pro website.

So all you golfers out there, what do you think? Keep working on my drive, or smash my short game? Bring it!

Doctors and scientists are an interesting bunch. If they can’t prove scientifically that something is true, well, they have a hard time believing it. If they were to see an elaborate snow sculpture of an enticing mermaid teasing onlookers, they would first assume it appeared there purely from natural causes until evidence that a person created it was brought forth.

And thus we are brought to the itch. We all feel it. We all scratch when we do. We all know that so doing provides relief. Or does it? If nobody knows how the scratch provides relief, does it actually do so? I’ll be honest… I have to wonder.

When I was going through military basic training, you weren’t allowed to touch yourself, ever. If a bug was crawling up your nose while you stood in formation, tough luck. You had an itch? There was no scratching. Funny thing happened after a few weeks of not scratching itches. I stopped itching. I was left to wonder if the itching ever actually existed. But then I was sent home and… what do you know? I started getting itches again, which I would quite hastily scratch.

Well, my dilemma is over! Thanks to the volunteer work of lab monkeys who agreed to be cut up, science is one step closer to proving the method in which scratching provides relief! There now, doesn’t that make you feel better? Scratch away America!

So I’ve recently had “the talk” with my tween daughter. You know… the birds, the bees and the thing about how the queen bee hooks up with the drones at the local bee bar and gets an STD because she was sleeping around with strange drones and not using protection? Yeah. It’s a little uncomfortable. But definitely necessary, especially these days.

Remember back to your sex education talks with your parents? I thought not. Most people from my generation didn’t discuss that kind of stuff with their parents. Some of us turned out okay, others… well, we got some strange answers to our questions about the big naughty.

That’s part of the reason I felt it was so important for me to get over my own discomfort on the subject and have the chat with my kids when they got old enough, and make sure I keep an open dialogue with them throughout. I have a friend whose sex ed consisted of his mother leaving the encyclopedia out, opened to the “sex” entry. I suppose if that’s the best you can do, then the modern equivalent would be to hit up HealthGuru.com and leave your computer open to their sex health page.

One way or another, your kids are going to learn about sex. Whether they get honest, truthful information or the weird crap that our generation got through the grapevine is up to you.

You hear the one about how you can’t get pregnant your first time as long as you’re laying on your back? It’s gone through a bit of a twist. My daughter told me that she heard you can’t get pregnant until you’ve had sex at least 4 times. Yikes!

I remember being 10 or so and hearing that if a girl didn’t have sex during her period, she would die. Sounds absolutely crazy, I know, but to a 10 year old who doesn’t know any different, I was just like, “Wow!”

And what about getting STD’s. My understanding back in the day was that only guys could get HIV and only by having anal sex with another guy. Oh boy… that’s some dangerous (lack of) knowledge!

Here’s another good one. Every time you masturbate, your yang curves a little more. Boy if that were true, every guy in the world would have something shaped like a snail shell down there. We’d also all be blind!

Semen is red, douching afterwards is as effective as abstinence, urinating afterwards would prevent pregnancy, you can only get pregnant doing it “doggy” style… all untrue, but believed by many in my youth.

What are some of the oddest ideas you were given regarding sex growing up? This ought to be good for a laugh!

Every year we go through the torture of “springing forward” in order to… what? Partake in congress’ brilliant energy savings plan? Have more time to partake in leisurely activities? Tell Benjamin Franklin, “Ha! The joke’s on you!”

All I know is that Arizona, Hawaii, and the Hopi Nation are all smarter than the rest of the U.S.

During the first couple of months that we switched to daylight savings time, I ranted about it via Twitter. Here is a replay of my hateful tweets for those of you that missed them (all time stamps are MDT):

Off to bed. What the–?! It’s after midnight? Damn you daylight savings! Damn you to hell!
00:30 March 9

Dear daylight savings, may Charon kick you out of his ferry into the River Styx on your way to Hades!
09:46 March 12

After seeing your reign of terror on Earth, Hades would never allow you into his abode anyway #daylightsavings
09:50 March 12

Friday the 13th, you ain’t got nothing on #daylightsavings
10:32 March 13

#DaylightSavings may you reach sheol long before I, that I may enjoy at least part of my mortal life without you.
10:54 March 16

If #daylightsavings looks up and sees the face of Osirus, it will know it has arrived in its proper place.
09:30 March 17

If #daylightsavings were to arrive in Gre’Thor today, it would not be soon enough. #klingonafterlife
09:41 March 18

Kronos finds no honor in waking the dead an hour early! The Fields of Elysium you shall never see #daylightsavings
09:44 March 19

If #daylightsavings somehow found itself in the great halls of Valhalla, Odin would think that Ragnarök was upon him and death near.
10:09 March 20

Why is it snowing?! I blame you #daylightsavings
09:39 March 23

The sins of #daylightsavings are so great, it should be doomed to spend eternity in Naraka. But even Yama could not tolerate it for long.
10:02 March 24

Just realized all my bashing of #daylightsavings is probably what’s causing me to sleep in so much. #thesecret
09:49 March 25

Morning cloud cover+snow+fog=you should drive with your lights on. Thanks #daylightsavings for tricking drivers into not turning on lights!
09:33 March 26

Just learned that Wal-Mart is spending $40 million to develop and promote their online presence. Screw you #daylightsavings!
09:59 March 27

At one point, my sister told me that she doubted daylight savings had anything to do with the fact that it was snowing in the middle of March. I refuted that idea, and pointed her to this brilliant observation that showed daylight savings was also responsible for causing several years of drought:

Hmm… I wonder. Is there any way we can blame daylight savings for global warming? Are you kidding? Daylight savings can be blamed for EVERYTHING!

So it has been said, so shall it be done.