Rantings of Stu

In old Britain, leaders were expected to lead the nation through whatever its need. That meant being a people’s representative (i.e.: politician) during times of peace and a military officer during times of conflict. Take, for example, Charles Cornwallis — perhaps best known in America for his embarrassing defeat at Yorktown during the American Revolution.

Cornwallis was a military officer who spent time fighting in battles of various conflicts. When there were no wars to fight, he served in the parliament, initially in the House of Commons and later as a representative in the House of Lords.

But times they have-a-changed. America’s first president was a general. Eight other presidents have been generals, the last being Dwight Eisenhower. Many others have been colonels, majors, and several other officer ranks, though many of them served stateside and/or never saw combat. While the majority of presidents have military service under their belts, the majority of all other American politicians have never served in the military and we even have a few draft dodgers in Congress and the Senate.

As we all know, politics is a corrupt barrel of stinky fish. Politicians, who are supposed to serve the people, serve themselves. Laws that hurt the people but help the lawmakers get pushed through on a regular basis. So how do we solve the problem of corruption in the American political system?

I, Stu, have taken it upon myself to offer up my wisdom on the matter. I present you with a list of requirements that ought to be implemented before you are allowed to run for federal political office. The basic idea here is that one must be willing to risk their life in the service of their country to prove that their interest lies in improving America, not their pocket books.

Military Combat Experience — Participate in combat in a minimum of three separate battles while serving in the military. Earn at least one Purple Heart and one Bronze Star or better, which can include the Distinguished Flying Cross.

Defeat a Foreign Leader in an Arm Wrestling Match — And we’re not talking some total pussy like Kim Jong Il — even though he is rumored to have mystical powers. Heck, my cat could beat that guy in a match. Gotta be somebody like Vladimir Putin. That’s guy’s a freakin’ 6th dan black belt and has some power in his arms. The risk to life comes in that if you defeat Putin, he might try and kill you with his sweet Judo skills in order to redeem his honor.

Be a Garbage Man — Becoming one with the American public’s garbage will put you in touch with the common man. Not to mention it’s one of the 10 most dangerous jobs in the world!

So there you have it. If you knew that your president had defeated Putin in an arm wrestling match and had been a garbage man, wouldn’t you have more confidence in their ability to lead and serve your interests? Of course you would! Now, if I can just get a senator to sponsor it…

Ever since I first started watching Star Trek back in the early 1980’s, I’ve wanted to follow Spock’s advice to “live long and prosper.”

I’ve read up on some scientific research (though, this can hardly be trusted) for how to accomplish such a task. I’ve also studied the long lived. Here are my findings:

A recent MSNBC article offers a top 10 list of healthy habits. While odds are I’ll never become a Seventh Day Adventist (Mormons happen to have a higher life expectancy too you know!), my decision to take life less seriously a few years back has certainly made a difference in my life. However, I do take issue with the idea that your habits have more to do with your longevity than your genes.

My grandfather on my father’s side lived well into his 80’s. His secret? Eat a lot of deep fried, fatty foods and drink milk straight from the cow.

My grandmother on my mother’s side lived to her late 70’s. Her secret was to live her whole life in a third-world country where healthcare was practically non-existent.

My grandmother on my father’s side was perfectly healthy when she died (approaching 90). The only thing we could figure is she missed my grandfather. And it probably sucked living in a small-town nursing home. Her secret was bowling. I still remember her bowling a 200 game in her late 70’s. Her biggest complaint, though, was that her bowling partners kept dying on her. I guess they didn’t bowl enough!

Let’s not forget Jeanne Calment. She smoked until she was 119. She only quit because she got cataracts and couldn’t see well enough to light up! Speaking of smoking, remember George Burns? Apparently cigars keep a heart healthy… and your sense of humor.

Maybe the secret is to tell lots of jokes? Seemed to work for funnyman and centenarian Bob Hope.

So, what have we learned? If you want to live long enough to hit triple digits, then abide by the following:

• Don’t take life too seriously
• Eat unhealthily
• Go bowling a lot
• Live in a third-world country with crappy healthcare
• Smoke a lot
• Tell lots of jokes

Enjoy the next 100 years!

You know what I’m talking about. The Tonight Show skit where Jay Leno walks the streets asking people simple questions to showcase the stupidity of seemingly regular folks?

There’s no way anybody anywhere can be that stupid, right? I mean, either these people are faking stupidity just so they can have their 15 seconds of fame (because obviously Jay isn’t going to show anyone getting the answers right) or they are simply having a brain fart… question after question after question.

Now imagine that you rent a car and are quoted a rate of $0.09 per mile. Great rate! You travel 100 miles expecting to be charged $9.00. But then you get the bill and it’s instead $900.00. So you call in the manager and ask the manager why you’re being charged $9 per mile instead of $0.09. The manager looks at you incredulously and says, “What’s the problem? Nine cents times 100 miles equals nine hundred dollars!”

Would never happen, right? Nobody’s stupid enough to make a 100-fold misquote on the rental rate, right?

But then I ran into a recording of a support call to Verizon Wireless regarding a billing error.

Let me give you a quick background on it. George (the one calling to complain) was traveling to Canada and wanted to know what rate he was going to be charged. He was quoted a price of “point zero zero two cents per kilobyte.” That is to say 0.002¢ or $0.00002. Astonished at the incredibly low rate, George asked the call rep to confirm that it was indeed “point zero zero two cents per kilobyte.” Upon confirmation, George asked the rep to make note of the quoted rate on his account.

Then the bill comes and George discovers that instead of being charged $0.00002 per kilobyte, he was charged $0.002 — 100 times the quoted rate. Shouldn’t be a problem getting it straightened out, being that there are notes on his account specifically stating that he was quoted a rate of $0.00002 per kilobyte. Well, not so easy. Listen to the call.

Okay, so after listening to the call, you might think, “No Stu. People like that are few and far between.”

Hold on now! Go back to that page and start reading the comments. Here are a few of my favorites:

Gee, I don’t know sprint38. Does the soda I buy out of the vending machine cost me a half dollar, or half OF a dollar? I can’t figure it out!

Then you have statman here who not only sucks at math, but also doesn’t understand language very well:

But koals28 takes the cake:

Um… what’s the metric system got to with any of this? And decimal points prove that going backwards is cents? Well koals28, you must be a decimal point going forward, because you don’t make any cents, er… sense.

You think it can’t get worse than that? Well, how about if you come out and say that he is actually right?

Gee, I don’t know song… uh, songsong. If you saw something that said it was $35, wouldn’t you expect to pay what it says? Same goes if it says 0.99 cents (which is $0.0099). I would expect to pay a penny… I’ll let the cashier keep the change.

The thing that makes this even sadder is that we deal with fractions of a cent every time we fill up our gas tanks. I have yet to see a gas station that doesn’t charge $X.XX9 per gallon, or $0.009 extra per gallon. I’ve never heard anybody express confusion over that!

So the point of this whole story is: Yes, there really are people that stupid out there.

But, there are intelligent people as well:

Cheer up nerdish! You’re probably the smartest guy in the building!

If you’re on FaceBook, then you’ve probably seen it. The dreaded 25 Things About Me blah blah… is making the rounds. The worst thing about it is that it requires you to tag 25 others. And you know what happens when you don’t do what a chain letter says… a piano falls on your head or you die in a fiery plane crash or a dog eats your brains or Kahn implants a mind-controlling eel through your ear.

Wait a minute. WHAT?! There’s no threat of death on this one? What is this world coming to? Chain letter writers are getting WEAK I tell ya!

Anyway, if you haven’t seen it yet — or you’re smart enough to stay away from FaceBook — then you’re in (an utter lack of) luck because MSNBC.com reporter Helen Popkin did a piece on it called 25 Random Things About FaceBook.

Here are a few of the highlights with my earth-shattering commentary.

2. Nobody cares that you left your Nikes in the locker room at Crunch.

Nope, they sure don’t. But they do care that I left my Nikes in the locker room. You do… don’t you?

9. You people take FaceBook way too seriously.

Hey, who you callin’ “you people”?!

10. A woman was killed after changing her relationship status on Facebook.

Hmm… you know, I’m thinking FaceBook had nothing to do with it. Like, I don’t know, maybe the fact that the killer was drunk and HIGH ON DRUGS maybe had some affect on his cognitive ability (not that he had much to begin with, being that he was dumb enough to get drunk and snort coke… uh, and he’s also British).

14. Facebook can get you fired. Yes, you. Just like you are not that one person who can drive safely while talking on a cell phone, you are not that one person who is in no danger of getting fired for something stupid posted by or about you on Facebook.

You’re right. I’m not that one person who can drive safely while talking on a cell phone. I’m one of many!

16. Oh, and you’re also at risk of alienating your oldest friends by bumping their rank in your “Always show these friends” box. We’re talking your adult friends, like, in their 30s and 40s, with jobs and kids and all kinds of grown-up responsibilities.

Not much of a friend if they get pissed over something as ludicrous as that! I don’t even know how to work that stupid feature anyhow! Want something to get pissed about? How about the fact that Mandalay Bay uses those awesome randomizer auto shufflers making it impossible to count cards at the Blackjack table? How’s a card counter supposed to make a living these days?

23. OK, the cool thing about having your Facebook and Twitter accounts connected is that your Tweets show up as your status updates. But then, if people respond on Twitter and maybe ask you something, and you respond via Twitter, it shows up as your Facebook status, and that’s annoying.

Umm… actually, it doesn’t. You should look into that. I think they might call that investigative reporting or something. Try it some time.

25. Eventually, someone will post photos from your high school yearbook. Dang, your hair was big.

Are you kidding me? I look EXACTLY the same now as I did 16 years ago. No, seriously!

A few years ago, I learned of this game titled You Have to Burn the Rope. If you haven’t played this incredibly difficult game yet, go try it out.

During the last few years there were many times that I thought the game impossible to beat. On many occasion I nearly gave up hope. Then, one night, I had a vision for how to defeat the game. And the very next day, I did.

I know what you’re saying. “Stu, that’s impossible! The game can’t be beaten!”

To that I say, “Watch my walkthrough and learn from the master.

So there you have it. Now you too can accomplish the impossible and defeat the Grinning Colossus.

The reward for defeating the Grinning Colossus is the awesome song you get to hear. If you, like me, love the song so much you want to have a copy for yourself, you can download it at SadSteve.com. Just search for the song title Now You’re a Hero. Thanks to one seriously cold leftover for the tip on whee to get the song.