Rantings of Stu

Some of you may recall my run for the Presidency in 2008. That did not turn out so well. One of my major blunders was entering the race too late.

Well, I am nothing if not a learner from my past foolishnesses. Therefore, I have begun my campaign for the 2012 election a little early.

If you’d like to support me, please send $730 million my way. That should practically guarantee me a win! If you are unable to do that, then you can still support me by following me on Twitter, my Stu The Wise for President blog, on YouTube, or becoming a fan of my Facebook page.

If I can get a million fans on Facebook, America will be FORCED to make me President!

Thanks to all my supporters. Together, we can take America back from the corrupt politicians in Washington and give it to me!

On August 27, 2009, I pondered, “What would happen if I really tweeted the way that Twitter haters say all tweeples tweet?” Following that, I announced my intention to, “…do it as an experiment starting tomorrow.”

At 22:28 that same night I stated, as a warning, “Alright my friends and followers, my tweeting-like-a-real-twerson(???) experiment begins tomorrow morning. It’s gonna get nasty!”

A cousin of mine and FaceBook friend, John Lisonbee, commented on my above statement with, “Nasty, or just twittery?” to which I replied, “Twisty maybe?”

The morning of August 28, 2009 the grand experiment began. My intention: cause the creation of a black hole solely through obnoxiously excessive tweeting. The tweets came fast and furious…

Note that all time stamps are Pacific time. All tweets were synched with my FaceBook account via the TweetSync application. The majority of tweets were sent through the TwitterFon application for the iPhone.

07:33 — Just crawling out of bed and getting dressed. I have a feeling this will be a good Friday… a Stu Friday. Let the experiment begin! (John Grant “liked” this on FaceBook)

07:42 — Best reason to amputate arm: I’m so SICK of putting stupid brace and sling on each morning! No doctors in UT county will do it though. (this tweet failed to sync with FaceBook)

07:42 — Brushing my teeth.

07:51 — Dropped my boys off at school early because they wanted school breakfast. I get here and oldest boy says, “I’m not going to have breakfast.”

08:04 — This “Stu Friday” is starting out well! Got a great tip on a job lead plus a callback to interview from a company I contacted yesterday.

08:35 — Researching the companies that have asked me to interview. You should know your potential employer as much as possible before interviewing.

08:41 — Thought about watering my lawn this morning, then decided not to.

08:44 — Taking a leak. Aahhh… what a sense of relief! Okay, done now. Flushing.

08:47 — One company I’m researching, if they hire me I know I’ll have tons of work to do right off the bat. Their website copy is horrible!

08:53 — Just learned if I tweet too fast, TweetSync (the FaceBook app) can’t keep up. It has failed to post one of my Twitter updates so far today.

09:01 — Job search has made me realize: If you ever get a job with a company you love and respect, and they love and respect you back, DON’T LEAVE!

At 09:08, Twitter user droach282 tweets, ” What…? http://bit.ly/g3UW0“

At 09:22, Twitter user “@leegientke sends me the message, “@stuthewise you need to track the number of followers before and after the experiment…

09:59 — @leegientke The experiment is more to see if I can cause a tear in the space-time continuum, but not a bad idea. 97 followers at the start.

10:00 — @leegientke I’m actually expecting to lose half my followers before 5 pm when they get sick of the constant tweeting

10:04 — just told @leegientke that I had 97 followers at start of today’s experiment. I’m a liar. I had 95, and I’ve already lost one. 47 to go!

10:06 — @droach282 Yeah, isn’t that the stupidest thing ever? It would be hilarious if you didn’t realize they are actually serious about it.

10:10 — Getting ready to have lunch with the mad entrepreneurial genius @jeremyhanks at Sconecutter. We’re gonna get sconed! (Stephen James Escobedo comments on this FaceBook status with, “Tell him I said hi!” which I do.

At 10:16, Twitter user @droach282 sends me the message, ” @stuthewise And the fact that their serious - and don’t define what is declarable as an emergency - is horrifying to me.”

At 10:20, Twitter user @leegientke sends me the message, ” @stuthewise LOL! It’s interesting, the more I tweet, the more people follow me… but then I typically tweet targeted info”

10:35 — Waiting at the Orem Sconecutter. (FaceBook comments on this status update are ” woah you’re the first person I know who has eaten @ the sconecutter” by Claye Stokes, ” Oh man, I eat there way too often!” by myself, and ” love the Turkey Advocado!!” by my sister Tracy Lisonbee Phillips.)

10:46 — Saw lady miss 3 opportunities to make left hand turn because she’s busy blabbing on the phone. Guy behind her got impatient and went around.

10:53 — Checked out the scars on the knee of @jeremyhanks and it is one sweet man scar!

11:35 — @jeremyhanks is blowing my mind!

11:52 — Lunch was great. Now I’m home with tons of stuff rumbling about my mind. Time to get some work done.

12:07 — Took a leak, washed up, and rinsed mouth. Time to watch episode of Dexter, then start a brainstorm session and put together a presentation. Stephen James Escobedo responds to this FaceBook status update with “Sweet”. I reply with “Hey, got your message to Jer for ya!”

12:15 — On Weeds, kid on debate team argues against electoral college with opening statement “G.W. Bush.” Response should’ve been “Abraham Lincoln.”

At 12:23, Twitter user @droach282 sends me the message, ” @stuthewise Oh, you’re kidding me…”

15:00 — Was about to tweet something completely pointless, but my cat snuck into my room, jumped on my bed, distracting me and making me forget.

15:06 — @droach282 Some Showtime shows like to insert regular right-wing bashes. Weeds keeps it relatively light though. Me no care politics.

15:15 — Things are looking good for my poker game tonight. 10 players make a full table. Sweet action!

15:36 — All this tweeting has drained the battery on my iPhone faster than normal. It’s on the charger so now I’m tweeting from my computer.

Right around this time, I notice that Twitter user and former coworker @JakeSabey has started following me. I follow him back.

15:40 — Hey new follower @JakeSabey you caught me in the middle of a Twitter experiment. I’m trying to make a black hole appear via mass tweets.

15:57 — Trying to get uninsulated garage cooled down for poker game tonight. Any tricks? Swamp cooler on opposite side of house. (Nathan D. Judd comments to this FaceBook status update with an interesting solution, which I will not duplicate here.)

16:00 — Playing Bejeweled Blitz on FaceBook.

16:09 — Okay, no more Bejeweled Blitz. Gotta save some of my luck for the poker game tonight! (Twitter user @EmperorSEO retweets this.)

16:12 — Chatting with high school friend on FaceBook whom I haven’t seen since 1992… when we both worked at McDonald’s together!

16:20 — BTW, use “whom” when the object (person) is being acted upon, “who” when the subject (person) is the one acting. Was my last tweet correct?

16:32 — Dang! Gotta take another leak! This is unusual for me. Hope I’m not pregnant or something. (My cousin Shauna Lyn Seguin responds to this FaceBook status with, “You probably are :)”)

17:22 — Hanging out at the University Mall with a buddy. Nice scenery! (Shauna Lyn Seguin comments on the FaceBook status with, “While your there…can you buy me a whole new wardrobe?” My wife Meadow Lisonbee follows it up with, “better than the scenery you get at home? ;)”)

18:01 — Done with the mall. Grabbing a bite to eat now. Maybe be some more “good scenery” at the restaurant.

18:15 — At the Subway. Line hasn’t moved in 5 minutes, and the guy behind me is literally insane! (On FaceBook, Becky Prestwich “likes” this status update. Nine minutes after the update hits FaceBook, Bradley Bowen comments, “I bet you are still in line :).”)

Around this time, using TwitterFon, I attempt to do a TweetPic update with a picture of the line at Subway. It doesn’t go through, but I fail to realize it until the next day.

At 18:47, Twitter user @AaronBV sends me the message, “@stuthewise tweet pics of insane guy?”

18:55 — @AaronBV Ah sorry man. Too late.

19:07 — First hand of the poker game, pocket jacks. Drawn out on by ace rag

20:06 — Kickin’ butt in HORSE tourney. All the hold ‘em players are confused

20:40 — Second time with pocket aces. This I flopped a set.

At 20:42, Twitter user @bryanphelps sends me the message, “@stuthewise I’ll come play poker with you if you continue tweeting your hands”

21:41 — In razz, 5th, 6th, and 7th street all paired up @$#!

21:41 — @bryanphelps As long as it’s okay by you that I lie about my hand

21:50 — In stud now, not getting any playable hands.

22:03 — Last hand of stud, finally won by catching a hidden boat on 7th street. (Meagen Ridley comments on this FaceBook status with, “Exactly how many posts have you made today?”)

22:09 — Hold ‘em, call all in preflop with AK spades. Raiser shows 8 3, rivers straight. Freakin’ bastie!

22:47 — Went on a bad run. Last hand in razz: all in with 8 high on 6th street, 7th street doesn’t improve, lost to 7 high.

22:48 — Out on the bubble too just add salt to the wound.

22:49 — I’m pissed about losing, so I’m taking a sip of Coke Vanilla and ending my Twitter experiment 10 minutes early. Look Ma, no black hole! (Twitter user @zubeme retweets this. My aunt-in-law Bekki Johnson comments on this FaceBook status with, “Stuart, you have too much time on your hands.”)

Final report:

For the day, I tweeted a total of 49 times which included seven @replies. Prior to that, I averaged 2.24 new tweets per day including @replies.

I started out with 95 followers and ended with 100. All but one of the new followers seemed to be fishing for followers using the, “If I follow someone, they will follow me back” theory. I only followed one of my new followers. The day after the experiment, number of followers dropped to 97. Two days after, it was down to 96.

No black hole was formed, and no tear in the space-time continuum resulted.

Conclusion

In order to cause a black hole to appear, one must tweet more than 49 times within a 24 hour period. My calculations suggest 503 tweets should do the trick.

Additionally, in the world of social media you are judged my your most recent update. Post wisely my friends!

So with all the talk about tough economic times and the government spending money like the end of the world is nigh upon us, I pondered ways for the government to save money.

Some of the ideas included things like buying hammers for $12 at Home Depot instead of $12,000 from the guy with the lucrative government contract. But I think my best idea came when I discovered a way to save taxpayers $93,090,000 per year.

That’s what you might call “life changing money.”

We have 535 members of Congress (100 senators and 435 members of the House of Representatives) that supposedly are representing us, the people. They each receive a salary of $174,000. I propose that we fire all members of Congress, and hire just three people to represent the whole of the United States:

One to represent Republican special interests, another to represent Democratic special interests, and an Independent to be a tie breaker for the three or so policies that the two major parties actually (pretend to) disagree on. We won’t pay them of course. The lobbyists will do that. The independent representative kinda gets screwed in all of this, but hey, it’s for the good of his/her country!

And, if you actually get rid of all the people who work for those congressmen, well, you’re saving a lot more than $93 million. But hey, we don’t want to put too many overpaid people out of work, do we? We can just give the three representatives thousands of assistants as a perk.

So, what could we as a country do with that extra $93,000,000? I’ve got a few ideas:

• Buy 150 additional Tomahawk Missiles for the war on the oil barons… er, I mean terror
• Equip Michelle Obama’s 22 assistants with a fleet of Bugatti Veyrons, a private island, and a couple of yachts
• Congress recently put the kibosh on F-22 production — $93 mil is enough to buy two-thirds of an F-22, the coolest plane EVER! You never know when you might need most of an extra one lying around… maybe for spare parts
• Put it towards a Cash for Clunker Houses program — trade in your environmentally unfriendly house for a new “green” house and get a $50,000 government bonus
• Pay off 1 hour and 23 minutes worth of interest on the national debt
• Give it all to Stu so he can attempt to double the amount via his gambling exploits — $93 million on black please!

I like the last option the best. Any other ideas?

Those who know me know I hate chain letters. And not just the ones that try and scam you out of money. I hate them ALL!

Usually, I just ignore them. But every once in a while, I’ll shoot a little something back. That was the case with this chain letter (which I actually got about a year ago). First, the chain letter, then my response.

How old is Grandpa or Grandma?

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, “Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

• television
• penicillin
• polio shots
• frozen foods
• Xerox
• contact lenses
• Frisbees and
• the pill

There were no:

• credit cards
• laser beams or
• ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

• pantyhose
• air conditioners
• dishwashers
• clothes dryers
• and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
• man hadn’t yet walked on the moon

Your Grandmother and I got married first, and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, “Sir.” And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, “Sir.”

We were before gay rights, computer dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

When mother or father said “No,” there was no further discussion.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President’s speeches on our radios. And I don’t ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with “Made in Japan” on it, it was junk. Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn’t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

• grass was mowed
• coke was a cold drink
• pot was something your mother cooked in and
• rock music was your grandmother’s lullaby
• aids were helpers in the Principals office
• chip meant a piece of wood
• hardware was found in a hardware store and
• software wasn’t even a word

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a real lady needed a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us “old and confused” and say there is a generation gap. And how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man or woman in mind… you are in for a shock! Read on to see — pretty scary if you think about it

Are you ready ?????

This person would be only 59 years old!!!

And now, my response:

Well, ACTUALLY…

1. He thinks that serving in the military was a “privilege”? No, it’s an HONOR to serve.

2. Born in 1949, this guy completely missed WWII, which had its fair share of draft dodgers. But he was old enough to have had to register with selective services and participate in the draft for Vietnam. That means his teenage years were rife with draft dodgers, and he might have even been one himself. It’s OUR generation that doesn’t have draft dodgers because there hasn’t been a draft instilled since before we were born.

Now, as to the “born before…” claims.

3. Born before TV? Are you kidding me? Philo T. Farnsworth invented the first electric TV in 1928. The TV was old enough to drink by the time this guy was born.

4. Something else was also discovered in 1928 as well. It’s called Penicillin, 21 years before he was born.

5. Born before frozen food? That’s a bit ambiguous. If he’s talking “frozen dinners,” sure. But the first artificial refrigeration was demonstrated in 1748. Yep, that’s a full 200 years before this guy was born. By 1920, there were around 200 different models of refrigerators being sold to the home consumer.

6. The Frisbee Pie Company (their pans are traditionally considered the first frisbees) was founded in 1871. Frisbees had been around for 78 years before this guy was born.

7. The first patent issued for a ball-point pen was in 1888.

8. The air conditioner, like the refrigerator, was first invented in the 19th century.

9. The first dishwasher suitable for domestic use was created in 1937. By 1940, dishwashers with drying elements were introduced.

As to several other of this man’s claims:

10. There was no McDonald’s? What about the one that opened in San Bernadino in 1940 and introduced its “Speedee Service System” (i.e. fast food) in 1948?

11. The reason he hadn’t heard of yogurt must have been because he was horribly uneducated or lived in a cave. Yogurt dates back to nearly 2,500 BC. Modern-day yogurt as we know it today was introduced to the States in 1947 by Dannon.

12. Instant coffee was invented in 1901. The Nescafe brand of instant coffee was introduced in 1938.

13. According to the Consumer Price Index, a nickel in 1949 is 43 cents in today’s money. You can still get a Pepsi for that or make a call from a pay phone.

So essentially this gentleman, like all old folks, likes to tell fantastical stories that aren’t true in order to try and impress his grandson. My grandfather walked 10 miles, uphill both ways, and through 10 feet of snow to get to and from school each day. Of course, my grandfather was born in 1910, so its probably true.

And there is one other thing that hasn’t changed between his generation and mine. Corporations are still evil. FM radio was invented in the 1930’s and by 1941, there were 50 FM radio stations. But the 59-year old man in the above story was probably telling the truth about having never heard of it.

RCA tied up the inventor of FM radio, Edwin Armstrong, in court for so long — sapping all his strength, desire, and finances — the man eventually killed himself in 1954.

After Edwin died, FM radio’s popularity soared. RCA suddenly had a change of heart what with its inventor dead and, with no one to pay royalties to, began investing heavily in its research and development. RCA posted record profits in 1955.

The cool thing about social networking sites like FaceBook is that it gives crazy people a whole new way to stalk you. Nothing says “FaceBook success story” like having your very own cyber stalker.

But don’t worry. Usually it just means that somebody has a crush on you. And if you are totally hot for them, well, how do you figure out for sure that it’s safe to make an advance and move things forward?

If you find yourself with such a question, you’ll be happy to learn that, through years of highly scientific research, I have discovered the secret to knowing whether a FaceBook friend is hot for you. The formula is quite complex, so try to keep up.

The first part of the formula looks something like this:

U > 70%

In this case, “U” equals “percent of your FaceBook updates a user comments on.” In layman’s terms, if someone comments on more than 70% of your updates, then they might be a cyber stalker that has the hots for you.

The second part of the formula looks like this:

U1+A

In this case, the user from the first part of the formula also comments on a specific FaceBook update, “A”, which reads, “I just passed gas.”

Got it? I know it’s complex, so let me see if I can’t dumb it down for you.

If a FaceBook “friend” comments on more than 70% of your updates, including the one where you say, “I just passed gas,” then that person is totally hot for you.

I’ll be publishing this earth-shattering study in the APA journal American Psychology pretty soon.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last 20 years, you know of the arrival of the non-humans, the annexation of District 9 in South Africa, and slow-moving attempts to “safely assimilate” non-humans into human society and culture.

This may all seem fine and dandy on the surface. However, there has been a growing movement to provide equal rights and opportunities to non-humans and to fully integrate them into human society, in essence trying to make the non-humans human and make the Earth their home just as if they were natives! Do not be fooled by this movement of crazed aliens and overly trusting humans, most human supporters of whom have never met an “outlander”!

Here is video of a human-created alien support group protesting in California. How many of these American protesters do you think have actually gone to South Africa to visit District 9 and meet with an actual outlander? All I have to say is that there is a reason humans are discouraged from visiting District 9 without police protection!

Here is the simple truth: the aliens are violent, primitive-minded brutes whose technology has advanced far quicker than their civility. It’s surprising they hadn’t completely destroyed themselves via wars of advanced weaponry. Those in support of alien rights say they are a peaceful species. Why, then, was their alien vessel stacked like a warship? That spaceship was built to conquer, no doubt about it. They did not come here with peaceful intentions despite what the pro-alien media and the brainwashed humans of the equal rights movement would have you believe.

Something that we are not told is that the aliens kept slaves from other worlds. That they had forced the species they had conquered into hard labor, having them live under deplorable conditions by any standards. And yet all that is left of these alien slaves is evidence of their cells and torture chambers. What happened to these laborer slaves? I submit that our non-human residents had them vaporized upon learning they would be stuck here on Earth and forced to live among us.

In the 20 years since their landing, the non-humans have been plotting to conquer the human race. The formation of alien-lead resistance groups pushing for equal rights are springing up and many humans can’t seem to wait to join the movement. Their growth and popularity is reminiscent of terrorist groups in Earth’s past.

One “Christopher,” an underground, supposedly alien, blogger posted a clip from what he claims is his first interrogation by Earth forces (scroll to post of June 6 titled “See the Real Me”). Note how he… it, conveniently provides captioning to translate the alien language into peaceful cries for understanding and assistance. Its deceit sickens me! Do you trust translation made by the alien? It’s more likely the alien is telling the human representative where he can stick it followed by threats of our utter destruction! Why else would we expend so much energy to isolate them and prevent them from being allowed to use their own technology?

Do not be fooled my friends! They must go!

There are still a few of us that believe that to die in the service of your country is to die with honor. We believe that because when a person has enough honor within themselves that they voluntarily choose to serve their country, they are serving much more than just their country… they are serving the people — every man, woman, and child — of their country.

Today we honor those who died because of what they died for — so scum like this can have the freedom to hate those who died fighting for that freedom.

For those who died, I can only hope that I’ll some day make it to heaven myself so I can thank you proper.

2006
2007
2008

Something about doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results, right? Somebody should have told a certain Michigan teenager.

UPI recently reported that a teen in Kalamazoo was arrested for marijuana possession. So the cops hauled him in and later released him on $100 bail. In his brilliance, the kid went back to the exact same spot where he was arrested and — no joke — started rolling himself a marijuana joint.

In his defense though, the kid did do something a little different. He was packing a little crack the second time around. Didn’t help change the outcome though. He was arrested again and hauled in for possession of marijuana, crack cocaine, and violating bond.

Geniuses. They’re everywhere!

So I’ve recently had “the talk” with my tween daughter. You know… the birds, the bees and the thing about how the queen bee hooks up with the drones at the local bee bar and gets an STD because she was sleeping around with strange drones and not using protection? Yeah. It’s a little uncomfortable. But definitely necessary, especially these days.

Remember back to your sex education talks with your parents? I thought not. Most people from my generation didn’t discuss that kind of stuff with their parents. Some of us turned out okay, others… well, we got some strange answers to our questions about the big naughty.

That’s part of the reason I felt it was so important for me to get over my own discomfort on the subject and have the chat with my kids when they got old enough, and make sure I keep an open dialogue with them throughout. I have a friend whose sex ed consisted of his mother leaving the encyclopedia out, opened to the “sex” entry. I suppose if that’s the best you can do, then the modern equivalent would be to hit up HealthGuru.com and leave your computer open to their sex health page.

One way or another, your kids are going to learn about sex. Whether they get honest, truthful information or the weird crap that our generation got through the grapevine is up to you.

You hear the one about how you can’t get pregnant your first time as long as you’re laying on your back? It’s gone through a bit of a twist. My daughter told me that she heard you can’t get pregnant until you’ve had sex at least 4 times. Yikes!

I remember being 10 or so and hearing that if a girl didn’t have sex during her period, she would die. Sounds absolutely crazy, I know, but to a 10 year old who doesn’t know any different, I was just like, “Wow!”

And what about getting STD’s. My understanding back in the day was that only guys could get HIV and only by having anal sex with another guy. Oh boy… that’s some dangerous (lack of) knowledge!

Here’s another good one. Every time you masturbate, your yang curves a little more. Boy if that were true, every guy in the world would have something shaped like a snail shell down there. We’d also all be blind!

Semen is red, douching afterwards is as effective as abstinence, urinating afterwards would prevent pregnancy, you can only get pregnant doing it “doggy” style… all untrue, but believed by many in my youth.

What are some of the oddest ideas you were given regarding sex growing up? This ought to be good for a laugh!

Every year we go through the torture of “springing forward” in order to… what? Partake in congress’ brilliant energy savings plan? Have more time to partake in leisurely activities? Tell Benjamin Franklin, “Ha! The joke’s on you!”

All I know is that Arizona, Hawaii, and the Hopi Nation are all smarter than the rest of the U.S.

During the first couple of months that we switched to daylight savings time, I ranted about it via Twitter. Here is a replay of my hateful tweets for those of you that missed them (all time stamps are MDT):

Off to bed. What the–?! It’s after midnight? Damn you daylight savings! Damn you to hell!
00:30 March 9

Dear daylight savings, may Charon kick you out of his ferry into the River Styx on your way to Hades!
09:46 March 12

After seeing your reign of terror on Earth, Hades would never allow you into his abode anyway #daylightsavings
09:50 March 12

Friday the 13th, you ain’t got nothing on #daylightsavings
10:32 March 13

#DaylightSavings may you reach sheol long before I, that I may enjoy at least part of my mortal life without you.
10:54 March 16

If #daylightsavings looks up and sees the face of Osirus, it will know it has arrived in its proper place.
09:30 March 17

If #daylightsavings were to arrive in Gre’Thor today, it would not be soon enough. #klingonafterlife
09:41 March 18

Kronos finds no honor in waking the dead an hour early! The Fields of Elysium you shall never see #daylightsavings
09:44 March 19

If #daylightsavings somehow found itself in the great halls of Valhalla, Odin would think that Ragnarök was upon him and death near.
10:09 March 20

Why is it snowing?! I blame you #daylightsavings
09:39 March 23

The sins of #daylightsavings are so great, it should be doomed to spend eternity in Naraka. But even Yama could not tolerate it for long.
10:02 March 24

Just realized all my bashing of #daylightsavings is probably what’s causing me to sleep in so much. #thesecret
09:49 March 25

Morning cloud cover+snow+fog=you should drive with your lights on. Thanks #daylightsavings for tricking drivers into not turning on lights!
09:33 March 26

Just learned that Wal-Mart is spending $40 million to develop and promote their online presence. Screw you #daylightsavings!
09:59 March 27

At one point, my sister told me that she doubted daylight savings had anything to do with the fact that it was snowing in the middle of March. I refuted that idea, and pointed her to this brilliant observation that showed daylight savings was also responsible for causing several years of drought:

Hmm… I wonder. Is there any way we can blame daylight savings for global warming? Are you kidding? Daylight savings can be blamed for EVERYTHING!

So it has been said, so shall it be done.