Rantings of Stu

Many Americans have died enforcing American interests they didn’t support. That includes some who fought in the Revolution. It kinda sucks, it really does. But here is my take on it.

My mother has a saying: “I was born a Catholic, so I’m going to die a Catholic.” She doesn’t even believe in Catholicism’s basic doctrines. But it’s a matter of pride that keeps her from leaving the church and joining another. Foolish? Perhaps.

I was born an American, and I’m going to die an American. My country, may she always be right. But my country, right or wrong, she is still my country.

Today is no more special for me than any other day. I remember those who served — whose blood soaks the very soil I walk on and feeds the Tree of Liberty — every single day. And those who know me wouldn’t dare question that fact.

Patriot: a person who loves, supports, and defends his or her country and its interests with devotion.

Right or wrong, I am a patriot. Foolish? Perhaps.

2009
2008
2007
2006

Some of you may recall my run for the Presidency in 2008. That did not turn out so well. One of my major blunders was entering the race too late.

Well, I am nothing if not a learner from my past foolishnesses. Therefore, I have begun my campaign for the 2012 election a little early.

If you’d like to support me, please send $730 million my way. That should practically guarantee me a win! If you are unable to do that, then you can still support me by following me on Twitter, my Stu The Wise for President blog, on YouTube, or becoming a fan of my Facebook page.

If I can get a million fans on Facebook, America will be FORCED to make me President!

Thanks to all my supporters. Together, we can take America back from the corrupt politicians in Washington and give it to me!

Okay, so a couple months ago my iPhone, which I had unlocked to use on the T-Mobile network, stopped receiving picture MMS messages, instead sending me the following message in place of the image:

• The media content was not included due to a picture resolution or message size restriction.

Well, initially I just ignored and hoped it was just a temporary issue. After a couple months, I was still unable to receive picture messages — although I was able to send them without any problem. Tired of not getting my friends’ nasty, perverted sexually explicit animated image forwards, I decided to see if there was a solution. Well, I found one.

Someone at T-Mobile posted this solution on the T-Mobile user forums. Give it a shot and see if it works for you.

It didn’t work for me. As I investigated further, it seemed that others were experiencing success. The difference between them and me? I was running iPhone 3.0 firmware, they were running 3.1.2 which, as of this writing, is the latest update.

So I updated to 3.1.2 and went through the jailbreak/unlock process, installed the Legacy software mentioned on the T-Mobile user forum, rebooted, and BOOYAH! Picture messages started coming through.

Now, if you are running older firmware and need to update, but aren’t sure how to jailbreak and unlock your phone, then you have a few options:

1. Learn how to do it by searching for tutorials online
2. Find somebody who is willing to do it for you
3. Check out the Automatic iPhone Unlocker

Option is kind of tough. I found that out for myself when I first got an iPhone about a year ago. This is largely due to the fact that most tutorials are made by hackers and hackers… well, they don’t explain things in laymen terms very well, nor are they interested in doing so. These guys are hardcore geeks, and they like talking with other geeks in geek speak. But feel free to give it a shot.

Option two isn’t a bad choice. Some T-Mobile distributors will unlock your iPhone for a fee. Call around and ask. You’ll also find a lot of people willing to do it for you for a fee if you search your local Craig’s List.

Option three isn’t what it sounds like. It’s not an automatic unlocker. What it really is is a step-by-step walkthrough for how to unlock your iPhone in easy-to-follow layman’s terms. This is the option that I decided to take. I figured I might have to be unlocking my phone on a regular basis, so I wanted to learn how.

Please note that the link to the Automatic iPhone Unlocker website is an affiliate link. If you don’t want me to get credit for referring you to it, you can search for it on Google or elsewhere. But if you appreciate the information that I’ve provided, I’d really appreciate the credit.

Anyway, hope this helped. Good luck!

I know there are a couple people that have been anxiously awaiting my review of this sidearm. Well, after 5 months of ownership and several hundred rounds fired off, here it is!

I tried to keep the review short, but it went on for a good 9 minutes. My first attempt was over 20 minutes, so there is a lot that I left out.

Long story short, I like it. And you just can’t beat it for the price. When I’m rich, I’ll buy something better. But for now, the Taurus does its job quite well.

So I took an online quiz to rate my NLHE (No Limit [Texas] Hold Em) poker skills.

If you’d like to take the quiz yourself, check it out here: http://is.gd/3qNTZ

If you want to take the quiz, stop reading right now, because I’m about to reveal the answers.

I’m going to start off by saying I got 7 out of 11 question “right.” I put “right” in quotes because I flat out disagree with the logic on three of the ones I was marked wrong on, and the fourth is questionable in my mind. So let’s see what we have here shall we? I’ll just review the ones I got “wrong” and explain myself.

Question: You have pocket 8’s. You raise to $1,200 on the button with your set of 8’s on a flop of Ah Ks 8s. The BB and UTG both folded, but the middle position player again flat-calls (he also smooth called the UTG player’s initial raise to $250). The pot is now $3,085 and you have $1,510 remaining in your stack (your opponent has you slightly covered). The turn is the Qs. Your opponent bets $500. What should you do?

My Answer: Fold. The queen of spades is a disaster card for my hand. My opponent couldn’t have flat-called two large raises with anything other than a spade flush draw or straight draw, both of which were helped by the queen of spades.

Note: I chose the fold option, but not because I was concerned about a flush. The middle position player’s behavior indicates he’s been slow playing pocket Aces. This is the first time he’s come out with a bet, which means he’s either hit the flush, or he’s putting out a feeler to see where he stands with his set. Even in the latter, he’s likely to call a reraise all in from me because he figures his set is either good or he’s got outs to hit the boat. I put him on a set of aces and fold. If I’m wrong about the set, then guaranteed he’s got the flush.

“Correct” Answer: Call. My opponent’s betting pattern would seem to indicate a flush, but he’s left me good pot odds to draw to a full house.

Again, I put him on a set of aces. If I get my boat, it’s the sucker boat. Opponent goes all in and I have to fold or be out… unless I can for sure put him on the flush.

Question: Middle stages of a single table sit and go. Six players remain. You’re on the button with AK and a stack of $950. The blinds are $25/$50. Everyone folds to the loose, aggressive big-stacked cutoff ($4,500 in chips) who raises to $150. What should you do?

My Answer: Call. I have position on my opponent and want to see a flop before committing the rest of my chips. If I miss the flop, I’ll still have $800 left to try to make something happen.

I’ve played enough loose-aggressive players to know this is the best move. If you raise, regardless of the amount, chances are he calls with any face card regardless of kicker, any suited cards, and quite possibly 7-2 off just for the hell of it. Post flop is when I’m strongest. My opponent is in my world after that.

“Correct” Answer: Go all-in. There’s $225 in the pot (roughly 25% of my stack) and I don’t mind whether the loose big stack calls or folds. I need to make a move here.

That’s not a bad move at all, and I would not blame anybody for making that move. In other words, this is one of at least two correct actions to take here.

Question: Middle stages of a single table sit and go. The blinds are $75/$150. Five players remain, and three will be paid. The UTG short stack goes all in for $700. The middle position player ($1,850) folds, but the somewhat loose, aggressive button ($2,875) calls after some hesitation. You are in the small blind with $3,275 in chips and AKs. The big blind remains to act behind you with $4,800. What should you do?

My Answer: Flat call.

Poker etiquette says that the other caller and I check it down to try and knockout the UTG all-in player to get us both onto the money bubble. In my mind, there is no other option.

“Correct” Answer: Raise all-in. This is an opportunity to squeeze the button and punish him for his loose call. I don’t want to play AK in a three-way pot out of position.

The idea is to take every advantage to knock out the all-in player. The more players there are going against him, the more his odds shrink up regardless of what he’s holding. After my call, I’m actually hoping for the BB to call so it’s three against one.

Question: Multi-table tournament, with eight players to go until the payout. Blinds are $300/$600. Flops are few and far between here, as pre-flop raises are not being called by nervous players waiting to make the money. You’re in the hijack seat with 43s. Everyone folds around to you. You have $3,175 in chips. The cut-off has $4,900, the button $6,085, the small blind $5,172 and the big blind has $3,675 after posting. What should you do?

My Answer: Fold. It’s a junk hand and there are four players to act after you.

Statistically 4 3, disregarding suit, has the third worst odds of winning (this is different than odds of improving, in which case 7 2 and 8 2 are the two worst) against any other random hand (only 2 3 and 2 4 are worse).

“Correct” Answer: Raise all-in. Five players have folded in front of me and I have enough chips to frighten the remaining players. Even if called by what is certain to be a better hand I might get lucky.

You’re just eight players from the money. Why risk your tournament life on one of the worst hands in poker?! I understand the logic of not playing the cards, and playing the psychological profile of the table instead, but with four players left to act? Bad move. Sure, you MIGHT get lucky, but not likely.

There are about as many different ways to play in any given situation as there are players. Ask three pros these same questions (open ended instead of multiple choice like this quiz was) and I’d put down money that says you’d get three different answers for each question.

Any disagreements? I wouldn’t mind hearing what you’d do in this same situations.

I remember a time when you would visit the Sconecutter in Orem late at night (which I often did back in the day when I worked graveyards) and there would be several questionable looking fellows working the drive thru. Thing was, these long-haired druggy looking freaks took the greatest of care in putting your order together. No finer sandwiches were ever built!

But now, thanks to a little economic downturn, more people are willing to accept the graveyard shift what with employment opportunities being limited. This has resulted in “cleaner” looking persons being hired to run the graveyard shift at the Sconecutter.

No sooner had the Sconecutter begun to hire these “cleaner” looking (albeit, I’ve noticed, far less professional) persons when the service started to go to pot (uh, as in bad, not as in the employees were smoking pot… that probably would have been a good thing).

An actual conversation that my wife had with the drive-thru operator on August 31, 2009 at approximately 22:00 hours (that’s 10 pm for all you weirdos out there) as best as I can recall:

Us: Hi, I’d like a ham, egg, and cheese platter on white with spicy fries and a Dr. Pepper.
Them: Ok, in a platter?
Us: Yes.
Them: Spicy or regular fries?
Us: Spicy.
Them: What drink?
Us: Dr. Pepper.
Them: Okay, what half sandwich did you want?

In all the years that my wife and I had eaten at the Sconecutter, we had never heard of any menu item called a “half sandwich”

Us: What?
Them: What half sandwich did you want?

This naturally confused my wife because she hadn’t ordered a “half sandwich”

Us: Uh… what half sandwich?
Them: You know, [rattles off some of the sandwich items from the menu].
Us: Oh. Ham, egg, and cheese.
Them: White or wheat bread?
Us: White.
Them: Anything else?
Us: A honey-butter scone on white.
Them: A cinnamon honey-butter scone?
Us: No, a honey-butter scone. Just honey butter.
Them: Okay, a cinnamon honey-butter scone. White or wheat?
Us: No, just honey butter.
Them: Okay, honey-butter scone. Wheat bread?
Us: White.
Them: Wheat?
Us: No, white.
Them: Okay, so I’ve got a ham, egg, and cheese half sandwich in a platter with spicy fries and a Dr. Pepper and one cinnamon honey-butter scone?
Us: *SIGH* Yes.

Turns out a half-sandwich, as you might have guessed, is a kid-sized sandwich, more like a third of a sandwich. So I ate that in about three bites and tried to enjoy my Dr. Pepper and fries while my wife ate her cinnamon honey-butter scone.

To the Sconecutter in Orem I say, “Bring back the questionable-looking sandwich makers! They always got my order right and always made my sandwich look like the picture!”

On August 27, 2009, I pondered, “What would happen if I really tweeted the way that Twitter haters say all tweeples tweet?” Following that, I announced my intention to, “…do it as an experiment starting tomorrow.”

At 22:28 that same night I stated, as a warning, “Alright my friends and followers, my tweeting-like-a-real-twerson(???) experiment begins tomorrow morning. It’s gonna get nasty!”

A cousin of mine and FaceBook friend, John Lisonbee, commented on my above statement with, “Nasty, or just twittery?” to which I replied, “Twisty maybe?”

The morning of August 28, 2009 the grand experiment began. My intention: cause the creation of a black hole solely through obnoxiously excessive tweeting. The tweets came fast and furious…

Note that all time stamps are Pacific time. All tweets were synched with my FaceBook account via the TweetSync application. The majority of tweets were sent through the TwitterFon application for the iPhone.

07:33 — Just crawling out of bed and getting dressed. I have a feeling this will be a good Friday… a Stu Friday. Let the experiment begin! (John Grant “liked” this on FaceBook)

07:42 — Best reason to amputate arm: I’m so SICK of putting stupid brace and sling on each morning! No doctors in UT county will do it though. (this tweet failed to sync with FaceBook)

07:42 — Brushing my teeth.

07:51 — Dropped my boys off at school early because they wanted school breakfast. I get here and oldest boy says, “I’m not going to have breakfast.”

08:04 — This “Stu Friday” is starting out well! Got a great tip on a job lead plus a callback to interview from a company I contacted yesterday.

08:35 — Researching the companies that have asked me to interview. You should know your potential employer as much as possible before interviewing.

08:41 — Thought about watering my lawn this morning, then decided not to.

08:44 — Taking a leak. Aahhh… what a sense of relief! Okay, done now. Flushing.

08:47 — One company I’m researching, if they hire me I know I’ll have tons of work to do right off the bat. Their website copy is horrible!

08:53 — Just learned if I tweet too fast, TweetSync (the FaceBook app) can’t keep up. It has failed to post one of my Twitter updates so far today.

09:01 — Job search has made me realize: If you ever get a job with a company you love and respect, and they love and respect you back, DON’T LEAVE!

At 09:08, Twitter user droach282 tweets, ” What…? http://bit.ly/g3UW0“

At 09:22, Twitter user “@leegientke sends me the message, “@stuthewise you need to track the number of followers before and after the experiment…

09:59 — @leegientke The experiment is more to see if I can cause a tear in the space-time continuum, but not a bad idea. 97 followers at the start.

10:00 — @leegientke I’m actually expecting to lose half my followers before 5 pm when they get sick of the constant tweeting

10:04 — just told @leegientke that I had 97 followers at start of today’s experiment. I’m a liar. I had 95, and I’ve already lost one. 47 to go!

10:06 — @droach282 Yeah, isn’t that the stupidest thing ever? It would be hilarious if you didn’t realize they are actually serious about it.

10:10 — Getting ready to have lunch with the mad entrepreneurial genius @jeremyhanks at Sconecutter. We’re gonna get sconed! (Stephen James Escobedo comments on this FaceBook status with, “Tell him I said hi!” which I do.

At 10:16, Twitter user @droach282 sends me the message, ” @stuthewise And the fact that their serious - and don’t define what is declarable as an emergency - is horrifying to me.”

At 10:20, Twitter user @leegientke sends me the message, ” @stuthewise LOL! It’s interesting, the more I tweet, the more people follow me… but then I typically tweet targeted info”

10:35 — Waiting at the Orem Sconecutter. (FaceBook comments on this status update are ” woah you’re the first person I know who has eaten @ the sconecutter” by Claye Stokes, ” Oh man, I eat there way too often!” by myself, and ” love the Turkey Advocado!!” by my sister Tracy Lisonbee Phillips.)

10:46 — Saw lady miss 3 opportunities to make left hand turn because she’s busy blabbing on the phone. Guy behind her got impatient and went around.

10:53 — Checked out the scars on the knee of @jeremyhanks and it is one sweet man scar!

11:35 — @jeremyhanks is blowing my mind!

11:52 — Lunch was great. Now I’m home with tons of stuff rumbling about my mind. Time to get some work done.

12:07 — Took a leak, washed up, and rinsed mouth. Time to watch episode of Dexter, then start a brainstorm session and put together a presentation. Stephen James Escobedo responds to this FaceBook status update with “Sweet”. I reply with “Hey, got your message to Jer for ya!”

12:15 — On Weeds, kid on debate team argues against electoral college with opening statement “G.W. Bush.” Response should’ve been “Abraham Lincoln.”

At 12:23, Twitter user @droach282 sends me the message, ” @stuthewise Oh, you’re kidding me…”

15:00 — Was about to tweet something completely pointless, but my cat snuck into my room, jumped on my bed, distracting me and making me forget.

15:06 — @droach282 Some Showtime shows like to insert regular right-wing bashes. Weeds keeps it relatively light though. Me no care politics.

15:15 — Things are looking good for my poker game tonight. 10 players make a full table. Sweet action!

15:36 — All this tweeting has drained the battery on my iPhone faster than normal. It’s on the charger so now I’m tweeting from my computer.

Right around this time, I notice that Twitter user and former coworker @JakeSabey has started following me. I follow him back.

15:40 — Hey new follower @JakeSabey you caught me in the middle of a Twitter experiment. I’m trying to make a black hole appear via mass tweets.

15:57 — Trying to get uninsulated garage cooled down for poker game tonight. Any tricks? Swamp cooler on opposite side of house. (Nathan D. Judd comments to this FaceBook status update with an interesting solution, which I will not duplicate here.)

16:00 — Playing Bejeweled Blitz on FaceBook.

16:09 — Okay, no more Bejeweled Blitz. Gotta save some of my luck for the poker game tonight! (Twitter user @EmperorSEO retweets this.)

16:12 — Chatting with high school friend on FaceBook whom I haven’t seen since 1992… when we both worked at McDonald’s together!

16:20 — BTW, use “whom” when the object (person) is being acted upon, “who” when the subject (person) is the one acting. Was my last tweet correct?

16:32 — Dang! Gotta take another leak! This is unusual for me. Hope I’m not pregnant or something. (My cousin Shauna Lyn Seguin responds to this FaceBook status with, “You probably are :)”)

17:22 — Hanging out at the University Mall with a buddy. Nice scenery! (Shauna Lyn Seguin comments on the FaceBook status with, “While your there…can you buy me a whole new wardrobe?” My wife Meadow Lisonbee follows it up with, “better than the scenery you get at home? ;)”)

18:01 — Done with the mall. Grabbing a bite to eat now. Maybe be some more “good scenery” at the restaurant.

18:15 — At the Subway. Line hasn’t moved in 5 minutes, and the guy behind me is literally insane! (On FaceBook, Becky Prestwich “likes” this status update. Nine minutes after the update hits FaceBook, Bradley Bowen comments, “I bet you are still in line :).”)

Around this time, using TwitterFon, I attempt to do a TweetPic update with a picture of the line at Subway. It doesn’t go through, but I fail to realize it until the next day.

At 18:47, Twitter user @AaronBV sends me the message, “@stuthewise tweet pics of insane guy?”

18:55 — @AaronBV Ah sorry man. Too late.

19:07 — First hand of the poker game, pocket jacks. Drawn out on by ace rag

20:06 — Kickin’ butt in HORSE tourney. All the hold ‘em players are confused

20:40 — Second time with pocket aces. This I flopped a set.

At 20:42, Twitter user @bryanphelps sends me the message, “@stuthewise I’ll come play poker with you if you continue tweeting your hands”

21:41 — In razz, 5th, 6th, and 7th street all paired up @$#!

21:41 — @bryanphelps As long as it’s okay by you that I lie about my hand

21:50 — In stud now, not getting any playable hands.

22:03 — Last hand of stud, finally won by catching a hidden boat on 7th street. (Meagen Ridley comments on this FaceBook status with, “Exactly how many posts have you made today?”)

22:09 — Hold ‘em, call all in preflop with AK spades. Raiser shows 8 3, rivers straight. Freakin’ bastie!

22:47 — Went on a bad run. Last hand in razz: all in with 8 high on 6th street, 7th street doesn’t improve, lost to 7 high.

22:48 — Out on the bubble too just add salt to the wound.

22:49 — I’m pissed about losing, so I’m taking a sip of Coke Vanilla and ending my Twitter experiment 10 minutes early. Look Ma, no black hole! (Twitter user @zubeme retweets this. My aunt-in-law Bekki Johnson comments on this FaceBook status with, “Stuart, you have too much time on your hands.”)

Final report:

For the day, I tweeted a total of 49 times which included seven @replies. Prior to that, I averaged 2.24 new tweets per day including @replies.

I started out with 95 followers and ended with 100. All but one of the new followers seemed to be fishing for followers using the, “If I follow someone, they will follow me back” theory. I only followed one of my new followers. The day after the experiment, number of followers dropped to 97. Two days after, it was down to 96.

No black hole was formed, and no tear in the space-time continuum resulted.

Conclusion

In order to cause a black hole to appear, one must tweet more than 49 times within a 24 hour period. My calculations suggest 503 tweets should do the trick.

Additionally, in the world of social media you are judged my your most recent update. Post wisely my friends!

So with all the talk about tough economic times and the government spending money like the end of the world is nigh upon us, I pondered ways for the government to save money.

Some of the ideas included things like buying hammers for $12 at Home Depot instead of $12,000 from the guy with the lucrative government contract. But I think my best idea came when I discovered a way to save taxpayers $93,090,000 per year.

That’s what you might call “life changing money.”

We have 535 members of Congress (100 senators and 435 members of the House of Representatives) that supposedly are representing us, the people. They each receive a salary of $174,000. I propose that we fire all members of Congress, and hire just three people to represent the whole of the United States:

One to represent Republican special interests, another to represent Democratic special interests, and an Independent to be a tie breaker for the three or so policies that the two major parties actually (pretend to) disagree on. We won’t pay them of course. The lobbyists will do that. The independent representative kinda gets screwed in all of this, but hey, it’s for the good of his/her country!

And, if you actually get rid of all the people who work for those congressmen, well, you’re saving a lot more than $93 million. But hey, we don’t want to put too many overpaid people out of work, do we? We can just give the three representatives thousands of assistants as a perk.

So, what could we as a country do with that extra $93,000,000? I’ve got a few ideas:

• Buy 150 additional Tomahawk Missiles for the war on the oil barons… er, I mean terror
• Equip Michelle Obama’s 22 assistants with a fleet of Bugatti Veyrons, a private island, and a couple of yachts
• Congress recently put the kibosh on F-22 production — $93 mil is enough to buy two-thirds of an F-22, the coolest plane EVER! You never know when you might need most of an extra one lying around… maybe for spare parts
• Put it towards a Cash for Clunker Houses program — trade in your environmentally unfriendly house for a new “green” house and get a $50,000 government bonus
• Pay off 1 hour and 23 minutes worth of interest on the national debt
• Give it all to Stu so he can attempt to double the amount via his gambling exploits — $93 million on black please!

I like the last option the best. Any other ideas?

This has been a great summer for movies: Star Trek, Transformers 2, Wolverine. As a dedicated Trekkie and Marvel Comics geek, those three were the big ones for me.

But there are a slew of upcoming movies yet to come that I am pretty hard up for.

The “for sure I’m going to catch in the theater” list:

9 — Tim Burton’s star-studded animated post-apocalyptic flick.
District 9 — A statement on South African apartheid? It’s the space aliens I’m in it for.
Hurt Locker — A guy who diffuses live ordinance for a living.
Daybreakers — Sam Neill as a big bad vampire. Screw Twilight!
Brothers — Marine goes off to war, brother stays home and gets in trouble. Marine comes home, gets in trouble.
The Informant — Matt Damon plays an idiot. Based on a true story.

Maybe list… might wait for video:

2012 — I don’t believe a single wit of 2012 apocalypse hype, but the special effects look awesome!
The Time Traveler’s Wife — Interesting concept, but it’s a chick flick. I’m in conflict.
Michael Moore’s New Documentary — Despite not being much of a fan of Moore’s truth-twisting, one-sided, so-called “documentaries,” he takes on the new liberal-worshipped administration head on. As a lib himself, he might actually be fair on this one and tell both sides. We’ll see.
Cold Souls — Paul Giamatti has his soul removed, and later finds that he misses it. Unfortunately, his soul has been misplaced.
Fifty Dead Men Walking — I just love these kind of movies!
Shutter Island — I used to hate DiCaprio. Then I saw Departed. I think he’ll turn in another great performance with Shutter Island.
Surrogates — Classic tale of people living their lives without actually living it. Old story, but looks interesting nonetheless.

What are you most looking forward to?

So I saw that a FaceBook friend of mine had taken a FaceBook intelligence quiz and got the result of “genius.” Personally, I hate FaceBook quizzes and so generally try to ignore them. However, that there was one that supposedly tested your intelligence… well, I simply couldn’t pass up the opportunity to make fun of it!

So I took the quiz and got the result of “pretty smart,” and was told that I got “most of them right.” Okay, right off the bat, you should know that there are only eight questions to this quiz. And I’m pretty sure I got them all right. Which means the person who created the quiz couldn’t even pass his/her own quiz and therefore shouldn’t be judging the intelligence of others.

Yes, yes. I know they are just for fun. But the way I have fun is not by taking the quiz, but by making fun of it afterward. So here we go.

I took screen shots of the actual quiz with my answers. And, remembering the saying that, “It’s better to keep your mouth shut and let others think you a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt,” I’m going to take the risk and open my mouth about why my answers are correct and make fun of the quiz-maker’s intelligence along the way.

Okay, to start things off, two fish drown, how many are left? Drowning implies death by suffocation while submerged in liquid. My presumption was that the fish died from a lack of oxygen in the water they were in, although it could have been from being submerged in molten lead. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that they are dead. Well, actually, that doesn’t matter either.

Even though the fish are dead, they are still there. Therefore the answer is two. Hmm… actually, if they drown in molten lead, they were probably vaporized and are no longer there. Something to think about!

Question number two tries to confuse you with words. An intelligent person would have simply said, “This man is my son.” And I just now realized I got that question wrong, despite knowing that it’s a father and son. I’m an idiot.

Question three. Obviously 200 pounds. 100+200*1/2=100+100=200. Easy.

Question 4. I’m not sure why he/she capitalized “philanthropy,” but whatever. Philanthropy is defined as “altruistic concern for human welfare and advancement.” That being the case, “caring” could be an appropriate answer to the question. “Carring,” which is not even a word, not so much.

Question 5. “Which ways more.” Huh? What does it mean to have something “way” more than another? At this point, you realize that either the quiz maker is an idiot, or is such a genius that you are the idiot for not being able to understand him or her. I’ll presume the prior. At any rate, assuming the quiz maker meant to say “Which weighs more…” and also meant to use proper grammar, a pound of anything weighs the same as a pound of anything else. Easy.

Question 6. Be tough to not get this one right. Thanks to current economic conditions, I’ve actually been keeping up with the prices of precious metals and already knew that silver is worth a tiny fraction of gold’s value, while the price of platinum is very close to that of gold. So I knew the answer was “16 oz. of gold” without needing to look it up. But if you really want to get into it, at the time I took the quiz the values of each were:

• 30 oz. silver: $381.98
• 16 oz. gold: $14,593.46
• 2 oz. platinum: $2,387.51

Wow, looks like the price of platinum has gone up over $250/oz. since I last checked! Might be time to increase your platinum stores!

Last two questions:

Question 7. Well, since the quiz maker didn’t bother with a statement about which to judge to be true or false, I assumed whichever answer I selected would be correct, which is true, so I selected “true.” Note the quiz maker’s excellent grammar skills on the last option for the question.

Question 8. The meaning of the universe is actually, “the totality of known or supposed objects and phenomena.” In other words, everything that is perceivable — or, more simply, everything.

Since the quiz maker doesn’t know the meaning of the universe, the real question is, “What does the maker of this quiz THINK is the meaning of the universe?” I’m no mind reader, but I guessed “life.” Seemed to fit the actual definition the best as without life, there is no one to perceive what is, and if there is no person or thing to perceive what is, then its existence has no meaning and therefore isn’t… philosophically speaking.

Well… that was fun!